Understanding Why Demands Can Feel Overwhelming for Autistic People

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

Many autistic people find demands difficult to manage. This can include everyday tasks, social expectations, or even activities they enjoy.

This article explores what constitutes a demand, and why demands can feel overwhelming for autistic people. It also shares possible reasons for demand avoidance, and some strategies to help. While the article is written for autistic people, it might also be useful for anyone regularly coming into contact with autistic adults and young people.

What Counts as a Demand?

A demand doesn’t have to be strict or forceful. It can be any expectation, request, or task. Here are some examples:

• "Can you brush your teeth now?"

• "We need to leave in five minutes."

• "You should reply to that message."

• "Let’s watch a film together."

  
  

Even if the task is something you usually enjoy, it might still feel like pressure. This can cause stress, resistance, or even a shutdown.

Why Demands Can Be Difficult

Different things can make demands feel overwhelming. Some common reasons include:

• Loss of autonomy: The task might feel like it’s being imposed on you, even if you planned to do it.

• Anxiety: Some demands come with hidden expectations or social rules, which can feel confusing or stressful.

• Executive function difficulties: You might want to do the thing, but your brain struggles to get started.

• Burnout or overload: When you're already tired or managing too much, even simple tasks can feel impossible.

• Perfectionism or fear of failure: If something feels hard to do well, it can be easier not to do it at all.

In addition to the above, it is important to remember that the world is not set up in a way that suits most autistic brains. Just getting through a day can involve managing things like loud environments, confusing communication, or constant changes (all of which feel like additional demands). That means you are likely to be carrying a high level of hidden stress before you even face the first official demand.

These aren’t excuses. They are real experiences, and understanding them can make things easier.

The diagram below, from Neurodivergent Insights, illustrates some of the possible causes of demand avoidance.

Source: Neurodivergent Insights

What Can Help

You don’t need an autism diagnosis to find strategies that support you. Here are some things that might help:

• Frame things as choices: Instead of "Do it now," try "Would you rather do this now or later?" Perhaps discuss this approach with other people in your life who regularly make demands of you.

• Make space for autonomy: Having control over timing, order, or method can reduce pressure.

• Use playful or indirect approaches: Turning a task into a game or using humour can lower resistance.

• Break things down: One small step at a time is easier than facing the whole task at once.

• Reduce internal demands: Be kind to yourself. Rest is productive too.

Final Thoughts

If demands feel heavy or stressful, that doesn’t mean you’re lazy or difficult. It means your brain and body are asking for something different.

Learning about demand sensitivity can help you understand yourself and find ways to reduce stress. There is nothing wrong with needing more space, more time, or more say in how things get done.